


Once was Lost

by Dedicednu



Series: Zane as a Catholic [1]
Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Angst, Before he met Ty, Catholic Character, Catholic!Zane, Character Study, Gen, Mentions of Side Characters - Freeform, Mentions of canon typical violence, Undercover!Zane, Zane Garrett is a cultural Catholic, terms and prayers relevant to Catholic Mass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 19:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16047170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dedicednu/pseuds/Dedicednu
Summary: In the midst of drugs and violence, Zane finds comfort and stability at Mass.





	Once was Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This is mainly a character study in exploring Zane as a Catholic. Obvious liberties have been taken. Please forgive any mistakes. 
> 
> Narthex - The small room between the exit and the Nave of a church. This is where people gather to talk and where you can find pamphlets about the church and their faith.
> 
> Nave - The main area of a church where the congregation sit for worship.

Zane sat in his car for nearly an hour just staring at the white exterior of Saint Anthony's Catholic Church, thumb tapping on the bottom of the steering wheel, sweat dripping down the back of his shirt and soaking his gray T Shirt. The open window did little to combat with the heat of southern Florida, but it allowed him to better hear the cars pulling into the parking lot, doors opening and closing, and the quiet murmurs of conversation of passing church goers. 

He was such an idiot for coming here. What the hell was he thinking? Driving thirty miles outside of Miami just for this? This wasn't going to change anything. He still had to be Xander.  Still had to go back to de la Vega and follow his orders.  At best, that meant handling his money and drugs. At worst... 

Zane hadn't been to Mass in years. Becky had loved it, had loved when Zane went with her. Zane wasn't particular a religious man, but Mass was a familiar and comforting routine. He had found peace going. 

That is what pulled Zane here today, and what kept him from leaving. He'd been uncover for over a year working for a ruthless drug cartel. Becoming ruthless himself. He's beaten men. Tortured them. He scrubbed his hands raw trying to rid them of their blood.  

He was beginning to lose himself and the guilt at what he was doing was becoming more and more distant. He needed.....something. Something to keep him sane. Drugs helped numb everything, but Zane could feel the pull towards addiction. His hands were already shaking from withdrawal.  

The sounds of the church bells ringing to indicate Mass was beginning was what finally pushed Zane to get out of the car. He felt so exposed as he walked down the sidewalk that led from the parking lot to the entrance.  He was doing nothing to warrant suspicion, but he could almost feel one of Vega's men watching him right now. 

An elderly man held the door open for him and Zane nodded his thanks. He entered the Narthex and took a brief moment to look around, empty now that Mass was starting.  A glittering of gold caught his eye and Zane looked up. Above the entrance to the Nave, in bold, golden letters was the phrase: 

"Mercy is God's Gift of Love."  

Zane's heart thudded in his chest. Images of begging men, faces covered in blood, asking him to  _please please_  spare them flashed in Zane's mind.  

Mercy. How can he expect to receive Mercy when he had none to give? 

Shaking his head clear, and taking a breath to steady himself, Zane entered to Nave where the congregation had gathered. There were about three hundred people scattered throughout the pews, all of them respectfully silent. Some were praying rosaries, the delicate beads held between their hands. Zane could smell the lingering scent of incense, and see the slight haze of it in the air. It was all so familiar. Zane felt some of the tension drain off his shoulders. 

Zane dipped his fingers in the small font of holy water and touched his forehead, making the sign of the cross as he headed towards a pew. A cool bead of water slid down his forehead, but he didn't wipe it away. He genuflected and took a seat towards the back. Out of habit, he lowered the kneeler and heard the metal gears of the mechanism creaking. He allowed himself a small smile at the insignificant but comforting, familiarity. A thousand miles away, and it sounded the same. 

He knelt and crossed his hands over the pew in front of him. He looked across the expanse of people, the altar, the tabernacle behind it, and then up to the large crucifix suspended from the ceiling. 

Zane closed his eyes. He didn't pray, but he allowed himself to relax and to feel and to be at peace.  

He thought back to all the times his dad had dragged him to church. How he hated it as a child, bored and surrounded by adults saying things he didn't understand, but then it became a nice ritual with him, Annie, and their father. They would all have breakfast together afterwards.  

Then, with Becky. Life had gotten in the way by the the time they got married and their priorities had changed, but they still attended holy days of obligation. She mentioned how she would like their future children to be baptized. 

The sound of organs suddenly filled the church and pulled Zane from his thoughts and he stood for the procession. 

He remained through the entire service, saying the appropriate responses and standing and kneeling when needed. He didn't go up to receive the Eucharist and he was surprised by the sense of loss he felt. Zane had never felt a real attachment towards faith beyond being nostalgic of it's relevance to his upbringing, so he wasn't sure why he so badly wanted to go up. 

Then, suddenly, he did know. He wanted to be cleansed. Everything he's done while here, everything he's been forced to do, and what he's chosen freely to do, was beginning to leave a stain on his soul. Zane had to go to Confession in order to receive Communion, and he hadn't been in years. Zane briefly entertained the idea of going, but it wouldn't be safe. He couldn't risk it, not with de la Vega.  

Before the dismissal, the priest led the congregation in the Saint Michael Prayer. Zane said the prayer from memory but the words struck him in a way they never had before.   

St. Michael the Archangel,  
defend us in battle.  
Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.  
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,  
and do thou,  
O Prince of the heavenly hosts,  
by the power of God,  
thrust into hell Satan,  
and all the evil spirits,  
who prowl about the world  
seeking the ruin of souls. Amen. 

Zane glanced back at the crucifix, his heart beating a little quicker. Such an old prayer with such a powerful relevancy. 

The priest gave them all a final blessing and dismissed them. Zane crossed himself and said a quiet "Amen." 

When he returned next week, he had a St Michael medal around his neck.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact, St. Michael the Archangel is the patron saint of police officers.


End file.
